bahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

when i was growing up there was one rule above all others that we followed: NO WHINING! like that country song that part of the chores is "we've got a five dollar fine for whining". and now here at college i have one room mate who it seems talks only by whining. and it wouldn't be so bad if she whined and then tried to fix what she was whining about but no she whines and then if some one doesn't jump on the "problem" then she just sighs and moves on to whining about something else. she makes me want to strangle something or shack her or scream!!! and it's even harder when shes whining during church. i can't go to my room to escape her i can't walk away in any form. and that's what she likes best a captive audience. I'm highly annoyed right now. :(

lost in the rain clouds

i shouldn't have gone or at lest i shouldn't have sat by them. one was mad at me (I'm pretty sure) and the other was reminding the first not to talk about a "secrete club" or something. and i understand why, it prevents too many hurt feelings for those who don't know anything (or ain't suppose to know anything). and i just fell like i was in the way and lost among friends where i should feel the most at home. everywhere i turn i see doors closing in my face and conversations behind them that i am not suppose to join. HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO LIVE LIKE THIS shut out by all my friends. i thought i wasn't the only one who felt like this but the other who is in a similar boat has been involved in the "behind closed doors" conversations. she knows more than me in the lives of those we care about. should i just give up? cut my loses in these friends and decide not to care?? easier said then done... I'm trying so hard to see the silver lining in this situation something good that will come out of all my hurt. but i can't see it now...

silver lining

so I love Utah weather!!!! it can be sunny and snowing AT THE SAME TIME!!! you can have winds that make hair look like it was caught in a blender!!! and all i can do is smile because when the world is spilling all its wild emotions all over everything then there is no reason for me to bottle mine up. if i lived anywhere where the weather was always mild and behaved itself i thing i would go insane from trying to keep myself calm and still. like when i visit my cousins in Arizona and in there house it has this... almost an aura about it that makes me feel like i have to sit still and talk in a whisper. so today to me all the clouds being pushed around by those blistery winds had beautiful silver linings :)

I’ve been told all my life that it’s not ok to cry Or that when I do cry that I can’t go to anyone for comfort But what I want and all I’ve ever wanted is that when I cry I want someone to hold me and just let me cry. Don’t try to reason me out of it. I already know the reason for my tears is stupid and the situation in not worth the emotion I’m putting into it. I already know. Just let me know you’ll be there for me. Because that’s something I don’t know. I’ve never know who’s really been there for me. Just put your arms around me and let me cry into your shoulder. Hold me till my tears stop and longer. Let me know that it’s ok to cry that I don’t always have to be the smiling one. Let me know that I deserve comfort when I’m dying inside. Let me know that my heart doesn’t have to run and hide anymore. Let me be myself.

my shooting stars

This first post is to my true friends, my shooting stars, the angels that have been put in my life to guide me along my path and point out the silver linings when all I can see are the dark clouds. Thank you for letting you light, however small you may think it is, shine. I love you