I've kept this pent up for far to long (sorry for the rant)

I’m tired of being told I’m the one who needs to reach out! She reached once and I just never let go after that I was the one to make the effort though sometimes not often or hard enough to make any notice and they made their token gestures every so often. but since we've left high school to me it’s been a test of who is really my friend and who really wants me in there lives and going thought with that mindset I have reached out time and time again to make and keep contact only to be brushed to the side forgotten, left as a thing of the past too troublesome to be kept close and to be thought on as "she won't mind" I’m tired of doing the reaching out!! She and I haven't talked in over a year because she doesn't think me worth the effort!! I had long considered her my best friend and too long have I known that she doesn't and never will think the same way. And I must apologize for all the bitter light I have cast on to our friendship. For there were some good times some very happy good times. but as I look back at my journals of the time when I was in the midst of the friendship I wondered why she picked up that poor picked on girl at all if two years later while entering junior high she would try to send me away to others because she found a best friend and didn't want to be bothered by me hanging about and at the end of our 9th grade year sent me a noted stating quite clearly that when we entered high school I should find my own friends because I had imposed on her good graces too long. And why, oh why was I so stubborn because with each supposed rejection I just clung on. In high school it became quite evident to me where she placed me as a friend for on the weekends at church she would tell me of her adventures with friends to Lagoon and Cherry Hill and talk and adventures she had with so many others. I was always there the open listening ear that was never present on the adventure myself even though I was just a telephone call away (too much effort for too slight a friend and a "she wouldn't mind") and quite willing to pay for my own expenses the only imposition I wanted to be was on a tiny sliver of their time! And I was the listening ear for all her boy drama! And foolish me I felt pleased that she trusted me so with all her doings. but I was not quite so foolish as to see how really out of the circle I really was I was like the littler soap bubble clinging to the side of a bigger soap bubble. Apart but really not apart at all. And at the beginning of senior year I really did try to distance myself from those who considered me a very slight friend. I tried new groups but I always ended up drifting back to the side of my unfaithful friends because whatever they considered me I found their personalities much more appealing than anyone else’s. So I felt stuck trying to make myself useful, trying to make myself know and wanted. but I could no more do that than make a mountain grow or turn myself into a wall ( which at times I felt more akin to that my friends) until I came to college and I tested how they truly felt about keeping me around by the before mentioned test of reaching out and waiting for their response.

I Believe

So this has taken me a while to get around to but here it goes my favor to Megan

I believe in friendship even the friends that are no longer in my life by what ever circumstances have made an impact on my and I'm so grateful for them.

I believe in the power of touch. I love being touched and giving hugs and cuddling. and I believe that being held when you are sad is more comforting and healing than anything anyone can ever say.

I believe in families and that they are sacred and should be protected.

I believe in laughter. lots of Loud long Laughter.

I believe in good books and that sometimes you need to live in another world to deal with your own

I believe in learning from your personal mistakes and changing for the better because you've made some. Also, I believe in learning from History and learning from the individuals who have made the world we live in today.

I believe that shoes should be optional and rain storms should be frequent. though i admit that i have no control over the weather.

and most importantly... 

I believe that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the one true church on the earth today

too long for a facebook post :D

so I've been stressing out over finals and all the assignments I have to get done so what do I do?
I've decided to blog about all the happy things that have happen this week and I am not going to mention all the craziness and assignments I haven't quite finished
Monday: I got into Pottermore ( I'm Magical!!!)
Tuesday: My family came and saw me at my last band concert at Snow College.
and they brought me a letter from my friend who is serving a mission in Germany :D :D :D
Wednesday: at one o'clock in the morning I registered for my Classes as Utah State
Thursday( today): in my bowling class my team won the championship and I got my personal best score of 111 !!!!
and tomorrow is Friday!

happiness is smiling even when the world is weighing you down

8 years I've spent thinking of you...

every time I see his picture on Facebook...

even before my brain registers its his...

my heart skips and flutters

I have his face memorized

every memory with him in it is  forever ingrained inside me

and I die a little bit every time I remember that nothing will ever come of this obsession

he's in Idaho and I'm in Ephraim

and next I'll be in Logan

on Friday (his birthday) I spent quite a bit of time seeing his brown eyes in my imagination

and Saturday I had to sow the broken pieces of my heart back together with reality...

question to the universe

I've had this thought bouncing around inside me for as long as I can remember. every movie i've ever watched and every story I've ever heard or read points to one thing.

the guy has to fall in love first.

and my question is Is that true? or can a girl having a crush on a guy who doesn't feel the same way lead to the same conclusion as a perstistant crushing boy?
oh why does life and love have to be so hard and confusing?
is it wrong that I have always wanted the guys i have liked to like me  back our is it just wasting my time or proving i have poor choice in  who i like. by picking guys that for whatever reason don't or can't like me back?