Clarification

I was just reading though my resent blog post an realized the boy from my ward I talked about in “stretch myself out, dust myself off, and pretend it never happened” could be confused with Boy From My Ward featured in “ i think i broke him” so just to clarify , they are two separate boys. sorry for any confusion I might have caused J

living in two worlds- an incredible long post.

ever since I went to college I have felt like I'm living in two very different and very separate worlds; the world of Woods Cross and surrounding areas and all the people that reside therein and Ephraim with all the people there. And as I transfer between these two worlds I realize I might as well be two different people. In Ephraim I am an energetic people person who people actually like to be around (maybe I will post about my eureka moment with this some other time) I actually feel like I can be myself around the people down there. Up north no one knows who I really am I am a mask build out of the expectations and prejudices people have of me developed over the 18 years I lived there. It is so interesting that it took me 18 years to discover who I am... (More about that in the later post I previously mentioned)

However in Woods Cross there are familiar faces and landscapes. I love being home and the older I get the more I love and appreciate my family. they are the only facets of my old life that knew me well enough before I went away that seeing me grow and truly find myself hasn't surprised them I don't have to were a mask for them or slip back into a role I use to play I can just be myself and show every part of myself.

sometimes when I come home and I see the people I use to know and interact with its like watching my old life from behind a glass screen and pressing my hands up against the glass with a bittersweet longing half wanting to join them again and be part of their world where everything was taken care of by adults while we just pretended to be adults. But the other half of me looks to the future and all the joy and challenges it contains realizing I can never go back so might as well make the most of the present I’m in and try to shape the future into the best thing it can be. I also see all the people I left behind in this world growing up without me living there lives. Today at Daniel, my youngest brother's band concert I saw peoples my brother, Andrew's age talking about their first semester at college

I remember my when I first went to college I imagined seeing my high school friends everywhere and know I come back home and imagine seeing the people from college at band concerts held at the high school! My brain is trying to mesh my two worlds and it’s just not working. when I meet with my friends from high school I wish my friends from college could be flies on the wall and see the mask I put on around  the people who use to be  my world. And I go to college and wish that my friends from high school could see how I’ve changed from the girl they knew into someone with her own personality.

The more I grow and change the more I see that I will always call Woods Cross my first home the older I get the less it feels like home and the more I want to make a home for myself.

i think i broke him

so let me tell you a story

once upon a Monday i was sitting in the library with my geology class making some last effort to study for our geology lab map test that was the next day. when all of the sudden Boy From My Ward walks up and stands right next to me. i say hi and he asks me "hey what are you doing tomorrow night at 6" it took me a second to process the fact that he was asking me on a date but it took me a minite to remember i have a band class on Tuesdays and Thursdays that doesn't get out until 6:30. i told Boy From My Ward that i had this class and he said "oh well there is just this church dinner thing tomorrow at 6 to 7 and they told me i could bring someone and i thought of you. maybe we could work around your schedule?" (OK so first of all a boy has never asked me on a date in person before, in fact this was only the second time ever a boy has asked me on a date so to me for him to say he was willing to work around my schedule was one of the sweetest things I've ever heard) again i had to say sorry i had a concert at 7:30 that i needed to be to. i felt so bad having to say no. i hate saying no. he said it was OK and touched my shoulder as he said thanks anyway. and he walked away. so remember how my whole geology class was studying in the library with me? well Boy From My Ward talks kind of loud so they all heard! and as soon as he was out of ear shot Boy Who Was Sitting Behind Me said "REJECTED!" so embarrassing!!! and then he said "you better make it up to him and ask him to dinner sometime" i said i would.
but i haven't seen Boy From My Ward since Monday until tonight. usually he is friendly always saying " hi, how are you" and always has a smile. tonight i smiled and said hello. he stared at me stone faced. WHAT HAVE I DONE!!!