6 more days

so I feel like panicking is my full time job.
I've been making list and double checking my shirt and skirt combinations
my thoughts are always racing like I'm trying to cram a lifetime of thinking into less than a week
I can't make plans beyond Tuesday
I still have some laundry to do
and more shopping! 
and sometimes I have to remind myself to breath and to get out of my head because if i stay in there a second longer I will lose all my ability to do anything except hid in a blanket and rock back and forth.

OH! and I just found out that I'm not getting set apart on Tuesday like I was planing. My stake president is going out of town so I'm getting set apart on Sunday night. I just lost two days of relative freedom that I was going to use for packing. but I'm not really upset. I am just in a state of kind of shock and acceptance.

and the craziest part in all this panic inducing  running around like a chicken with its head cut off craziness is I'm actually kind of excited about my Mission! beneath the layer of panic that I can get lost in is a bigger layer of nervousness and excitement.

I pray and hope I do well. I hope the people like me. I hope my companions like me. 

so one last thing I ran across some of the notes I have taken in various classes and I found one that is worth sharing.
It is know that CTR stands for Choose The Right. How do we choose the right? well I have some steeps for you
attend Church
go to the Temple
and Read your scriptures

anyway I thought I was clever.

And So It Begins

Dear Sister Hansen:

You are hereby called to serve as a missionary of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You are assigned to labor in the Indiana Indianapolis Mission. It is anticipated that you will serve for a period of 18 months.

You should report to the Provo Missionary Training Center on Wednesday, October, 8 2014. YOu will prepare to preach the gospel in the English Language. Your assignment may be modified according to the needs of the mission president.


... So this is were life gets interesting, exciting, with a good helping of terrifying mixed in.
This also starts another battle in the war with my mother over, my weight and what clothes I should wear. 

"for you I wouldn't recommend buying anything online" they only have certain sizes and no way of knowing if they will actually fit you.

"be careful when you go shoping with your skinny cousin, she knows how to pull really cute things" but they won't fit you.

so we reach an impasse me pinning for the cute colorful clothes I've been pining on pinterest and my mother (with the added reinforcements of my Aunt and my Great Aunt this weekend) trying to be sensible, practical and blunt saying ' lets make sure you have enough navy blue, black, and gray flowy things in your wardrobe to mix and match. they are the most forgiving.'

I knew clothing would be a challenge I just wish this particular skirmish had happened later.

Its that time of year again

So its spring a time a renewal and growth and that's great I'm a big fan of flowers and fruit

I like not having to wear a jacket all the time and not having to wear shoes (I'm a huge fan of walking around in bare feet.)

And then we get General Conference which is awesome and super helpful. (p.s. I would like to note my use of the word "awesome" is used in its correct definition of awe inspiring meaning.)

Another thing about spring and I touched on this last year, is the multitude of engagements that happen!

And that's great I'm happy for the people in the many announcements that wallpaper my fridge. It makes me think about my own future however and it is interesting to me that as excited I am about my decision to serve a mission by the time I get back I will be 24 on my way to 25 and I will have never had a boyfriend or even been kissed and all my friends and their spouses will have started families. And it’s kind of a lonely feeling...

No one will be excited for me because it’s not new to them.

Even thinking about a mission farewell and how few friends will be there because they are off having lives of their own too busy to reach back.

I've come to see marriage as a kind of door or one way passageway. Those who cross its threshold don't or can't reach back they can never be again the friend you once knew. You can call and talk or just hang out as friends anymore because they are no longer just them. They are a couple a "we" and the last one left on the single side is just as lonely as or more so than the first one to make the transition.

I don't know if married couple friends remain friends. Like do they say "yay, now that you've joined us in the married people club we can be friends and talk about married people stuff?" (No one would use that exact phrasing. look to the emotional feeling behind it.) But I hope it’s the case. All the friendships can't just end because you add new people to equation... I hope

Its not hard to smile when I try

My life is complicated and beautiful and full of so many good things and so full of challenges that pinch and poke, prod and pull me in the right direction. And I try really hard not to complain.

I try not to look at my friends and compare my life to theirs. I know that's not fair. We are all individuals with unique challenges. If God see us all as special and worthy of his special attention then that is the only opinion I need to judge myself by.

But sometimes I feel... lonely, forgotten, unworthy not of Heavenly Father's love but peoples love.

I know I've said this many, many, many times but read to the end I promise you'll want to read that

I feel like I'm missing all the cute happy things that come with having someone in your life.

All my friends are getting married or dating someone

And it’s not just my friends

Random people I see in the halls or on the street or in the grocery store that are holding hands or smiling at each other have started to grate against my soul.

January and February are especially hard for me. January just because of its bleak, cold, colorless, lifeless nature has always been draining to me. and then February has always been hard for me for obvious reasons... but I guess in a way I'm lucky on the 14th of the 2nd month better to never have loved or been loved by anyone I don't think of as family then to have lost love right?

I should consider myself lucky that my heart was spared any High School romances.

I have so much life ahead of me! I still have plenty of time to feel the magic of a first love, all the cute and the cruel are still waiting for me. They will have to wait for me a little longer because even with all this longing inside me I've felt that it’s right for me to go on a mission. Heavenly Father is in charge of my life and He wants me out on a Mission.

This is not something I've planed. In fact I had a good plan. It just wasn't the right plan for right now.