caught somewhere between wanting to punch everyone in the face and hug them until they can't breath

So the title has nothing to do with anything.

I just felt like getting on and writing a little note

Telling whoever read this that

No matter how hard life is in the moment it will all be worth it

And if your life is super great hold on to the moments you're living

Write down what’s going on because someday you will long for the sunshine you have now

So my life has been a little cloudy recently. As I've said here before I have a tendency to jump into crushes to hard too fast. I don’t know how else to handle when cute single guys are nice to me. I’m not use to it. And it takes something like him inviting some girl who is so different than me to our study group so he can flirt with her to make me realize that he’s just nice, it doesn’t mean anything. I’m not special. I’m so sick of this learning curve. Isn’t it my turn to find a nice guy that’s interested in me?!

Anyway here’s a video from YouTube I like: ▶ Everybody's Got Somebody But Me (Hunter Hayes ft. Jason Mraz) - Sam Tsui Cover - YouTube

Sorry my Friendship Cup is Full

There is a difference between being friendly and becoming friends. And I have quickly come to notice in the last few weeks that no matter how friendly I might be I'm feeling a distinct lack of interest in becoming friends with anyone. It’s like I was born with an internal friend quota to fill and it’s full. Now I'm meeting new people and by default they are just spilling over into my Acquaintance category which is split into 3 subcategories.

1. The closest level to "Friends"; "Close Acquaintances" this is one most people would still call friends, but they lack a certain "I totally want to hang out with you on a Friday Night" quality to them. But you still have them on your phone to text asking if there was homework. Also almost everyone I could recognize by face from High School that didn't make it into my "Friends" box.

2. "Mid-level Acquaintances" they people you sit next to in class that you have to remind yourself of their name every time you see them. But for the time your with them, you laugh you talk. But they're names never making it in to your phone.

3. "Casual Acquaintance" this is the run-of-the mill people who you see on the train or in the halls and you go, "I'm pretty sure I've passed them in the hall before." or "I'm pretty sure I ride the train with you every day" but you never make it to the "Hey, my name is ---" stage.

By now some of you are asking (maybe not but let’s pretend) "If Sarah has levels of Acquaintances then does she have levels of Friends?"

And the answer: Yes, yes I do

Again I split people into 3 groups (because it works well with my brain)

1. "Friends" these are the people I would like to surround myself with on a Friday or Saturday night. They are my friendship equivalent of a big hug or a warm blanket. These are the people I would invite to a sit down Wedding Dinner. They are people from High School that I wonder how they are on a weekly if not daily basis even after four years.

2. "Close Friends" these people range from people who barely don't make it into my "Best Friends" category. To College roommates I really got along with. Some days I would even put family members in this Category. These are People I could name off the top of my head to give numbers, on an average day this category has more than ten less than 25 people. Oddly it is made up of mostly friends from High School that I now only speak to rarely.

Now before I move on to the prestigious "Best Friends" category I have to make note of the people who lie outside the Friendship spectrum. They are the friends who are more like family than anything else and they really do deserve recognition by name. But I won't list them here it’s really enough to say you know who you are. If you have to doubt, you probably aren't.

3. "Best Friends" I guess you could kind of compare it to being Accomplished in Jane Austen's time. But with different requirements. Things like I could call you in the middle of the night without feeling guilty and you would almost always answer. You don't judge me when I dance and sing to my favorite songs. You know what my favorite Ice cream flavor, animal, flower, and color are. You have to consider me a Best Friend as well and there has to be a certain feeling of history between us, (examples. you've seen me cry, I've confided in you about a crush, we've talked for hours on end, , you've accepted me when I was without friends or lonely). That last one however has proven a bit tricky I've had friends who make it clear to the borderline between "Close Friends" and "Best Friends" just by that quality alone. But they proved lacking in the other requirements.

Now there is a special place reserved in my "Best Friends" for the person I haven't yet found who I will want to share eternity with. It like red carpet and velvet ropes kind of cool but the coolest thing about that level is its "True Love" and that means that you may not always like them. Someday I expect I'll want to slap who-ever-they-are upside the head. But I'll always love them which mean I'll always want to do whatever it takes to keep them.

what is love

So I'm going to try to put into words all the complicated disillusionment I have been feeling for the last little while.

So I have always been a hopeless romantic. Always.

I had this core belief that I expressed in a poem I wrote several months ago before my current emotional crisis.

When one is in love

 Truly in love

It changes you fundamentally.

That part, if not all of you

Belongs to that other person

Time and distance cannot take away from that love

When you are with someone you truly love

You can see the events in your life

Every heartbreak, every beautiful realization

 That lead up to every moment you are with them.

All the successes and failures of your past

Where preparing you for the exact moment you met the person who completes you.

When you are truly in love with someone you may not always like them

They will say and do things that annoy you like no one else could annoy you.

But that is love too

They will make mistakes, so will you.

They will point out uncomfortable truths about you.

At times it will feel like the farthest thing from “Happily Ever After” imaginable.

The person you truly love will know the worst of you.

And love you anyway.

Because to me that’s what true love is; taking the good with the bad.

Because no matter how bad the bad may be

Because you have this irreplaceable person beside you

 Life is fuller, better and you can’t picture another day without them.

However lately I wonder if that is real or if it’s all just convenience or lust. How many people never find “love”? What if “love” doesn’t really exist? It’s just as make-believe as the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy , and Santa Claus. What if “love” is just a comfortable lie to tell people tell they grow up and learn the truth? Life isn’t a compilation on near misses and failed attempts leading you to the perfect person for you. Real life is just a lot of hard work that leads to more hard word. There are not soul mates and happily ever after’s. There is just we teamed up because it’s a requirement to reach the Celestial Kingdom and theirs a commandment to “multiply and replenish the earth”. Or the non-Mormon reason of physical lust and a desire to cling to traditionalism. Is marriage all about ‘how long can we go without fighting and showing our children how much we dislike each other?’

If it is I don’t want any part of it.

I’m with Elizabeth Bennett from Pride and Prejudice that “only the deepest love with persuade me to marry” (I’m paraphrasing because I don’t remember the exact quote) I’d rather be a lesser angel for all eternity then spend it with someone who I don’t truly, deeply, love or with someone who doesn’t feel the same for me.

welcoming me

so for all the people who don't know I have two email addresses
a msn one that I like to give out when I want to sound professional or not be judged by my other one ( ironically this is the one I've had since Jr. High)
and I have a gmail account that I have added in the past few years. which I give out to friends and those who prefer gmail to all others.
I set up this Blog under my Msn email but lately I have been trying to make life simpler by being able to just stay on one email as i shift between things like my youtube account and my emails  and I just phased in my gmail account as an additional author on this Blog so don't worry it's still me Sarah Anne Hansen resident of Woods Cross Utah student at LDS Buisness College (oh yeah that happened... if you really want the story of how I ended up at LDSBC leave comments and questions wherever comment and question boxes can be found and I will make that happen)

... The World Spins Madly On

so yesterday I went temporarily insane and forgot how old I was. I gave myself an extra year and told someone I would be 23 this September. this is false. I will only be 22. for a moment yesterday when I thought I was going to be 23 this September I imagined myself in ten years going to a job I hate and coming home at night to an empty house except for a cat or two that would beg for food. but then I remembered I hadn't wasted a year in nothingness and I could wake up this morning telling myself

I'm only 21 its okay that I haven't planed out every second of my life

its okay to feel lost sometimes

its okay that you haven't been kissed

it doesn't make you a bad person

just because all the girls you knew in High School are getting married

your okay your only 21

Welcome to the place in my life where my friends will never actually know how much they mean to me

So this summer is going to be interesting

It is the summer of Homecomings and Weddings

And I dance around my room during the day like a kid at Christmas 

Basking in the radiated joy of my friends

And at night when I'm all alone I shed my tears

Because even as I attend the Homecomings and the Weddings

They will never know their impact on my life

So here are a few anonymous little letters to those who swell my heart to breaking

To my longtime friend who is getting married

You’ve never truly known of my struggle with jealousy of you

I've admired you and your easy grace when it comes to making friends

It never came as easily to me 

So I want to thank you for letting me hid in your shadow 

And see a sliver of your world

And now even though I'm strong enough to not hid in your shadow anymore

I still yearn for your approval 

as I yearn for the lost ability I  had to look at you from across the room and see a glance and know what you were thinking

you never knew that you were my best friend 

Even when I wasn't yours

Congratulations on your engagement. Your pictures are adorable

To my friend who just got back from the Netherlands

First of all welcome home

I'm sorry I'm no good at small talk

And I'm sorry that I know how your face is going to fall when you find out

That the bright shining star of our group of friends

Who everyone knows you crushed on is engaged

Maybe now you and our friend recently returned from Germany

 Can set aside your swords you drew in her defense 

And shake hands in the peace and friendship this outside observer knew you should have 

You someone I always wanted to know better

To be one of those friends your family knows by name 

Instead of the quite shadow of a girl you knew in High School

I know you’re going to do great things in your life 

And I hope I stay close enough to see you shine

Because your success gives me an irrational sense of joy

To my friend who just got back from Germany

I wish you could see me now

Meet me now without all the baggage from High School

Without the knowledge of how close and yet how distant we where

I never went to your house to hang out

your mother doesn’t  know my face and name

I wasn't in your Square of Trust

I was the fringe member 

An obligation that came on the coat tails of the girl that wouldn't accept the title of "your girlfriend"

But I wish you could see me now with fresh eyes

See a girl who likes the same things you like

We could be such good friends 

If it weren't for High School roadblocks that come in the shapes of our mutually closest friends

And I hate thinking of how unfair it is that I hold in my heart and soul changes you made unknowingly 

And I drifted through your life like a breeze leaving no mark

And despite it all at your Homecoming I will put on my brightest smile and say "Welcome Home"

And maybe never see your bright achievements that I know are coming.

To my friend getting married later this summer

I hold on to the day we became friends like a precious jewel

Sitting in the hallway outside our fifth grade classroom

Bonding over the boy who made us both cry

And inviting you to my 11th birthday party

We haven't stayed close

And that's sad 

Because I admired your strength without resentment

You were a symbol to me that we all have our challenges

And no matter how difficult they may appear there is a way to stand up to them

I wish you all the Happiness I can imagine for someone in life

To all my other acquaintances getting married or returning home

I think of you often 

I stalk your Facebook’s

And smile at your joys

You do not know how you have shaped me

But each of your smiles gave me the strength to go to High School

Or College another day

Your faces and personalities became second nature to me

They were a great comfort 

I wish I could pack up all the joy you have given me through the years and give it back to you tenfold on your darkest days 

Congratulations on all your successes 

You are the people who are going to make the differences in this world 

And I can't wait to see you and all that comes in your futures shine.

Sarah and the spontaneous California road trip (part one)

So I’m in California right now (I know, I know be jealous)

The thing is I wasn't planning on being in California this week.

The plan was on Saturday my family would go down to Monroe so that we would have a shorter drive on Sunday to go to my friend Emily’s farewell in Levan.  After Sacrament meeting my mom and my brother Peter would drive to Tooele to go to my cousin’s farewell. while my dad, my brother Andrew (the one who doesn't get Harry Potter, Doctor Who, or Sherlock and likes My Little Pony) and me went back to Monroe where they would drop me of on their way to California (my dad has a business trip and my brother likes to go along so they can have some boy bonding time or whatever)

I was totally cool with this plan I was going to get some stuff done while in Monroe have a whole house to myself have a truck at my disposal if I wanted to go to the store. I was also going to have a Harry Potter Movie marathon with my blue ray box set of all the Harry Potter movies.

All that changed when we were back in Monroe after Emily’s farewell and my dad gave me the option of going with them. And my brain went like this

Ohhh California YES

But wait that’s like 10 hours in the car with my brother NO THANK YOU

Dad just offered beaches YES

But I planned to stay here. I can’t change last minute NO

California, fluffy hotel beds, beaches, vacation   YES

It went on like this for a while until the no side thought it came up with the nail in the coffin

But mom doesn't know I’d be going to California NO

Dad called mom she says go. Beaches, California, vacation, our own room in the hotel YES

I already had a suitcase packed with a week’s worth of  clothes so into my dad’s truck it went and so did I on a road trip I found very familiar( Wishing my Music Trip friends from High school were here *many long distance hugs*)

So here I am typing my first blog post out of state. And I’m glad I came.

warning nerd alert: avert your eyes if you have no interest in Doctor Who

So I have this idea for a Doctor Who fan fiction just a little scene for Eleven and Rose to meet.

While the Doctor is searching for Clara (probably right before he goes to the monastery) Rose Dimension jumps into him while on her own search for the Tenth Doctor. they talk and he sends her on her way knowing it isn't the right time and place for them.it would be heartbreaking and sad and super angst-y but beautiful  at the same time. There would be hugs and tears and a few sad smiles.

I am a forever Doctor/ Rose shipper. I still believe the Doctor loves her and holds her in a special place in his hearts. And I love watching/ reading Eleven/Rose videos and fanfic. I however do not possess the necessary talents and insight to write this completely out for myself.  I have read some wonderful fanfic of Rose running into Eleven while on her way to Journey’s End. And the only element I would be adding is what point in Eleven’s time stream she would be meeting him.

let me tell you a story

Once Upon A Time there was a girl she lived in a nice neighborhood with nice neighbors. One summer day as she was playing out in her yard one of the boys from the next street over came to her house. He was two years older than she was (18 months to be precise) and he was nice and would teach the girl games (Pokémon specifically) and smile at her. He was handsome (picture Gilbert Blythe come to life) and made her feel special. She was eleven or twelve years old and she was sure this was what love felt like. 
One day she was hanging out with the boy, another neighbor, and a good friend of hers. They were sitting on the neighbor’s trampoline telling stories and jokes when the girl decided it was time to tell the boy she liked him. And his response was two words spoken while looking her straight in the eye. “I know”. 
And to a girl who grew up watching Star Wars those two words filled her with joy. She went home and sealed that night in her memory. Little did she know that those words didn’t mean as much to him as they did to her.

 However when this girl liked someone she didn’t do it halfheartedly. She gave herself to memorizing details about this boy from the color of his cast when he broke his thumb (blue) to the location of his locker in Junior High (stalker statues achieved.) Every interaction made her soar. Church dances to talking about books and food where all moments she held close to her heart. They were in the same Trek family and for half a school year were in the same band class. She watched girls ask him on dates (not literally that’s a little too stalker-y) she even help a friend ask him to Sweethearts dance. 
Once as his time in high school drew to a close she asked him if he remembered that summer on the grass playing games and telling stories. “Yes” was his answer.

He left for college and the girl clung to a dream that someday they would met and be the friends they were as children and more.  He left on a LDS mission and the girl cried and wrote him letters (three. more than any of her other friends have received combined.) 
However, all childish delusions must sometime come to an end, so by the time he returned the girl wasn’t as hopeful and didn’t even go to his homecoming. They were going to two different schools and as she thought back to previous interactions she realized how truly one sided they were. But it still hurt the day she saw on Facebook that he was engaged. 
It still hurt receiving his wedding invitation and seeing him happy with another girl. It tore her up to go to his wedding reception and talk to him one last time eye to eye face to face. And it hurt today more than she thought it would to hear him brought up in conversation between her mother and an old elementary school teacher.  And tonight she resolves to put the memories of him aside in favor of finding her Happy Ever After

if I created a TV show

Welcome to the rare occurrence of Sarah blogging twice in one week

This is one of those times where I had a thought that was too long to put as a Facebook status so I’m putting it here on my blog. I would really like to make a children’s TV show about a hedgehog named Martinand his adventures with his best friend an otter named Ben.I would watch that tv show with no shame. they would have all these adventures. and it would kind of remind you of the adventures of mr. toad but it would make references to something completely different (and if you know what I’m talking about you have reached a whole other level of awesome)

It would be called Martin the Hedgehog and it would be loved by kids and adults alike. not on a My Little Pony level. but just highly enjoyable.

pictures found here and here

up in arms

 So summer has started and the clash between me and my brother has begun.

It happens like this I have curtain shows and books whose characters I will defend to the end (Doctor Who, Sherlock, and Harry Potter)

And my brother just so happens to love to tear down the things that I love and refuses to see their beauty and depth. This makes me a little ornery.

And then he tries to show me his fandom of boys and men who are obsessed with My Little Pony.

And I am having a hard time with it. It’s hypocritical to attack my fandoms and then expect me to accept yours with open arms! That’s just not right ok!

Sorry that this post is super geeky I try to not show my internet geek side as much as possible when interacting with people not familiar with how possessive I can be with my obsessions. 

i really need these brain cells

OH MY GOSH !!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!!! MY ROOM MATE IS SPRAY PAINTING SOMETHING FOR HER ART CLASS IN OUR LIVING ROOM!!! SPRAY PAINTING!!! INDOORS!!! I NEED THESE BRIAN CELLS FOR FINALS WEEK THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

Easter Blues

today has been one of those days were people I know pass me and say "how are you?" and I plaster a smile on my face because i know they don't really care that I'm feeling slightly broken inside and they are probably too busy to listen to me cry anyway. so i say "good" and keep walking until I can get to my computer so I can blog about how I'm really doing.

I am 21 years old and this is the first Easter ever I will not be spending it with my family.
"so what no big deal lots of people don't get to be with there families on holidays"
the answer is in the why not the what.
my family in not going at home over Easter
they are going to be down in Monroe
" you usually like spending time in Monroe whats the big deal"
well now Monroe is five hours away from school
and my family won't even be spending family time there

you see my dad just bought a grocery store and they have planed all of these "Easter Activities" for the store. and I know it sounds stupid and bratty and super spoiled to say this but I don't want to have to share my families attentions with a bunch of strangers! 
and right now I just have a whole lot of anger towards this grocery store and how I feel like it's tearing my family apart. since its brand new my mom and dad (who not only own the store but also are its executive managers) have been spending all of there time there leaving my two youngest brothers at our home in Woods Cross alone! (which should be fine I know they are both mature enough to take care of themselves)
but I know that the over all plan is in about three years when my youngest brother graduates from High School they will move permanently down to Monroe. 
which gets me to what I'm really mad at 
I AM MAD AT MY FATHER FOR TAKING AWAY MY CHILDHOOD HOME!!!
I'm feeling mad and abandoned and just upset and super lonely.
I don't want to have to compete  WITH A GROCERY STORE for my parents attention especially not at Easter or any holiday for that matter.
just like I didn't like having to compete with the scouting program for 13 years for my moms attention.

anyway I have been telling myself its fine that I'm not with my family for Easter but its not, it's really not. even though I will see them next week which is when we will have our family Easter celebrations and the week after that. right now I'm hurting and nothing can be done to fix it but time (I forgot how much i hate that cliche  phrase until I typed it just now)

Dear Megan the meaning of my name is...

my friend Megan gave a challenge today to tell 

• why I was given my name
• what it means
• how i feel about it

so here i go... :)

i was named Sarah because of a compromise my parents came to. My mom wanted to name me Constance Joy or Sara Delight (can you imagine!!) my dad (thankfully) talked her down to just plain naming me Sarah which means Princess in Hebrew i quite like my name thought growing up my mom always used calling me a Princess as synonymous with Lazy. Sarah has always felt like such a pretty elegant name to me that some days i don't think it belongs with me at all. and i was never singular there was always at lest one other Sarah around so for the longest time i was Sarah H. anyway the one interesting thing about my name is it can be miss spelled and sometimes when i get really depressed with the life I'm living I make up stories in my head for a girl named Sara Ann Hanson who is extremely pretty, smart, and confident.