today the sun is shining the grass is green the clouds are puffy the sky is blue ... 

but its the end of the year

I'm about to start all over, again

I'm about to lose friends

i love the summer i really do the only down side is i have no one but my family to talk to for 3 1/2 months i love my family i really do. but i miss friends i go from seeing and spending most to all of my days with people my own age to finding out all the people that I've grown so close to don't value me enough to even call...

at lest that's how i use to feel in high school and junior high now i finally feel like i might see friends this summer (i finally found someone to come to Europe with me!!!!)  in addition to the fact that me and my room mates have promised to stay in contact and do things this summer. AND since i haven't seen those i considered  friends from high school in a while and most of the boys i now will be leaving on missions this summer I'm sure to see more of them too. so I'm actually really looking forward to this summer.

it only take one time

so today started out good as most days do in fact it didn't get bad til about 4:30 when i realized "oh i have a band concert tonight and my hair looks like a birds nest" so i quickly do something with my hair (aka make it look like a semi-desent ponytail) get in my concert clothes and rush to band. in band we practiced on the stage. i hate going on stage i get the most horrid stage fright but i play my songs well. my big mistake was trying to talk to him afterwards. its like talking to a brick of ice.a huge brick of ice i wish i could melt. being frozen out usually doesn't phase me i just keep ploughing though. i talk about everything and nothing with a smile. but today... his ice got to me. i shut up like a clam and read a book til the concert started and we had to play...
there were lights, and people and i kept on missing my notes or skiping mesures. i wanted to melt into the floor and disaper. the thing is i knew these songs i knew i could play them and play them well. but it only takes one off day and when your off day is the day of the final concert of the year...

i want to go home

The Definition of Joy

... it rained today

spring at home and other topics

i decided i really like this blogging business so forgive me if i write a lot but typing it out here is so much easier then writing in my journals (beside i have an unwritten rule that i only write in my journal once a month unless extreme circumstances like friendship deprivation or long vacations occur). i also have decided that since this is a somewhat open space that names will now be kept private unless i get there permission to or if i can say something flattering. any way that takes care of the preliminary stuff i wanted to talk about...
and now for something completely different.
so i went home Friday night and stayed most of today and i realized something. i really like being home. i like how home smells and how it looks and i mostly like the people. spring in my home I've never really appreciated it before now, everything was so green and the trees were getting their blooms and everyone was going out to cut there lawn for the first time  (the smell of freshly mowed grass has to be my favorite right after the smell of lilacs) i wish i could have stayed longer but i had to get back for stake conference.
i love the seasons. all of them spring is beautiful and new looking and smelling and so clear and open!
summer is so cosy and warm its a time to gather your friends close around you and enjoy life and people and the shade and grass and roses and you can go out camping and see STARS i love stars they are glorious as well as slightly mysterious.
fall is so colorful!!! i love colors the sky is always so crisply blue and there is a slight chill in the are that is so full of anticipation of things to come and some of my best memories are in the fall, like jumping in leaves as a little girl and making applesauce with my mom. i love it
in the winter there is snow!! i love snow its like a white blanket that's giving the grass a rejuvenating break while making the world look pure and faultless. and who can hate the feeling that comes with the season, that ever elusive CHRISTMAS SPIRIT everyone is more inclined to smile a little more and gripe a little less and although the ideal time in which snow is most enjoyed is between Thanksgiving and Valentines day ( for me that is for most people if it snowed Christmas day and left new years day they would be perfectly happy) it might snow as early as Halloween, sometimes earlier, and it can snow well into April here.
and there is one event that exist in all the seasons (well maybe not including winter) that i LOVE above all other things... RAIN!!!!! i love the rain  from light spring sprinkles, to crazy summer thunderstorms, to chilly rainfalls in autumn i love it all. i like dancing in the rain running in the rain singing in the rain and someday i want someone to dance with me in the rain and then my secrete dream of dreams i want to be kissed in the rain...

i'd rather be in Europe right now

so please forgive me for bragging my head off but...
about this time of year i get the longing to go somewhere anywhere really even if its just out to some big grassy field to just watch the clouds pass by. this time of year makes my even more antsy when i know i have a wickedly awesome vacation coming in the summer. like the summer after my sophomore year in high school i went on a trip around Europe we started in England went into Germany into Italy and then Switzerland and then ended in France. it was probably the most extreme 3 weeks i ever experienced. and then i got the option to go again the summer after my Junior year we started in England again then went to France then Switzerland then Italy and then a cruise to the Greek island and even into Turkey (were we saw Oprah) again very fun. and now this coming summer my family is going on a cruise around England, Scotland, and Ireland !!!! (can you say dream vacation) the only thing that could make it any better is if i could find a friend to go with me... you think it would be easy to find someone to go with you on a vacation like that but for my poor college student friends working takes president over a dream vacation ... so it will be me, my family and my camera so i can share the splendor with those back home.
so anyway with all these beautiful thoughts of this summer in my head its really hard to concentrate on studying for finals. all i want to do is enjoy the weather and dream :)

my week

Monday: came home from a wonderful weekend with my family into a dorm that was full of silence... i hate silence and i hate change and this silence is such a change from what my dorm use to be. in my last class of the day interpersonal communications, where ironically we talked about conflict. i sit in front of Nicole the one room mate that started the silence. my phone went of with a phone call from Emily, i didn't answer.Nicole leaned forward and said she had gotten a call from Em too. over the course of the lesson i started seeing how i was dealing with the situation at home and i wrote this: (BTW this is the first week in a long time i have felt like i could write things down)

I'm an Accommodator, and Avoider

I don't like competing and Compromise hurts the other person

and i hate hurting other people I'm much rather hurt myself

or save the hurt til later

like having a deep cut and every time the conflict arises again i pore lemon juice in it

 and turn away leaving the others to do what they want

so our relationship is dying, we're a sinking ship

"here have the life boat. I'm OK with drowning

after class Nicole walked away while calling Emily back. i walked the other way to work on a group project. Nicole called me a few minutes later saying Em had gotten in a bike accident that had left her face severely bruised and swollen and when i came home not to freak out. when i did get home everyone was in Emily's room comforting her as she cried. i wouldn't have freaked out. i went to practice horn i was no help in this situation besides the silence had returned with a vengeance after everyone left to give Emily a little space.i got into a practice room but to many thoughts were in my head so i took a page out of the music composition book my private lessons teacher uses to write down what I'm suppose to do for that week and wrote this:

I've always taken the back seat

hid in the corner while others took president

ever since i was little and my mother was in scouts

the boys always were met before me

for thirteen years of my life

those scouts needs were met before mine

and now i still bear the scars

thinking i am not worthy of the attention that could be mine

and i feel so selfish when i am put in the light

"that is a spot for others not for me

you could be using your time so much better than talking to me"

but i also feel selfish when I'm left on my own

 and i want to have someone to talk to

i want to demand their time

i wold like to be recognized when i hurt

i know there will always be someone hurting worse

but i don't want to be compared to them

i don't want to take the back seat

i want people to give me there time of their free will

no be asked or prodded, begged, nudged, begrudged, or bribed into spending time with me

they have to want it as much as i do

it has to be a compromise of collaboration.

am i asking too much? 

 i had a break down after i got back . i started crying to Emily, the one room mate who can feel the silence as much a i can, and her friend Jessica. i went to there choir concert practice because i only feel better when I'm out and away from the silence. i made faces at the cute boys in the choir and giggled with Emily's mom. went home feeling much better so i gathered my courage and asked the two girls who have turned our apartment into the unwelcoming place it is today, Nicole and her new best friend Bianca, if i could go to wal-mart with them. we went i bought candy of all sorts and orange juice. came home two boy from the choir, Emily's friends, were visiting we had a quick impromptu party of orange juice and starburst. and for once there wasn't silence. then i got a text and made a phone call making plans to go hang out with my horn section and a friend of theirs. i went and made a new friend and we played at a park. got back home around 1:30 feeling like i could maybe survive these last few weeks of school.

Tuesday: on Tuesday's i usually wake up after everyone else is gone. which lately i prefer. went to my classes got done at 7 opened facebook to find a friend from back home had tried to make a dangerous snowboard jump across Big Cottonwood Canyon and didn't make it all the way across hitting his neck on something breaking his c6 vertebra. Gates was life flighted out in critical condition leaving his best friend Garrett Millward to tell the story to reporters. i didn't know Gates very well but  the killer part of the story is that Gates was suppose to go into the MTC on Wednesday and now he was in the hospital with everyone unsure if he would ever walk or even move his arms ever again. that night i was laying down to sleep the only thing that hurts more than the silence was two rooms over. Nicole and Bianca where laughing. the one thing i want is to make the silence disappear between me and Emily and them.  i want to go over join in the laughter join in the joy but the start of the silence haunts me, they don't want me to go and join them. so i lay in bed dying inside because what i want most is so close physically but so far, so far from what might actually be possible. but i couldn't sleep so i went to the living room/ kitchen area and did dishes and then emotionally exhausted for the long day i layed down on the couch the silence came back and was so strong i just tucked my head in my arm and shed a few tears then Bianca came out of the room and say me said "Sarah what are you doing have you been crying your glasses are fogged up" i used Gates's accident as my excuse and said i want to sleep on the couch. Nicole had come out of her room now and they went and got me a pillow and a blanket from my room  they asked if anything else was wrong.  there were so many things i could say... i said no, no need to get into the more complicated issue that night. i don't think very clearly at night i might have said something i regretted. they left and i cried myself to sleep.

Wednesday: i decided to fast for Gates. went to classes came home. none of my room mates has said a word to each other all day. the silence and the hunger and my pounding headache were the worst thing i had ever experienced. at about 6 Emily came home and i decided to break my fast and eat something. i hadn't seen Nicole since communications where there lesson was about about conflict, again. at 7:30 i went to the choir concert. Nicole and Bianca were there. i didn't sit by them. in the middle of the concert my headache  attacked with a vengeance. i walked home got ready for bed put in my head phones and blocked out the sound of the laughter and fell asleep crying.

Thursday: the silence was strong. i tryed  to ignore it. after all my classes i went and tryed to be with them. i entered the room. they left the room. i went to my room trying to not let anyone see the tears that were welling in my eyes. i had tryed and failed. but someone saw my tears and followed me to my room and started me talking about why i was upset. LaLa, Bianca's room mate came over and asked if i was going to go to the campfire with them. i was crying so the other girl answered no for me. i now realize that that was a missed opportunity to spend time with Nicole and Bianca. but i stayed home and watched a movie with the other girls here in this dorm. when everyone got home that night they where laughing and talking and i just didn't want to deal with it so i walk out of my room acting kind of angry grabbed the stuff i had left on the table and stomped back into my room. i went back out to grab my water bottle when Emily was standing in her door way she asked "Sarah why wouldn't you talk to me today" i was upset and exhausted and didn't want to talk about it and so i kind of blew up. i felt awful afterward and cried myself to sleep, again.

Friday: i woke up at 8 to get ready for my day went to horn lessons at 9:15 went to the rest of my classes without seeing any of my roommates. then came communications where we watched clips of a movie and applied it to the way people deal with conflicts. got out of class Nicole went one way and i went the other even thought we where both headed home. got home LaLa was talking to Nicole in her room so i went in to try again to be social. Nicole sat there in stony silence a duffel bag of packed clothes beside her. her silence which soon effected me and Lala. the last thing i herd before i left the room was Nicole asking Lala if her stuff was packed and in Bianca's car. i don't know where they went or when they will be back. that night i watched "New Moon" and "Eclipse". being upstairs and watching movies helps me keep my mind off the silence that hovers like an approaching thunderstorm.