what is love

So I'm going to try to put into words all the complicated disillusionment I have been feeling for the last little while.

So I have always been a hopeless romantic. Always.

I had this core belief that I expressed in a poem I wrote several months ago before my current emotional crisis.

When one is in love

 Truly in love

It changes you fundamentally.

That part, if not all of you

Belongs to that other person

Time and distance cannot take away from that love

When you are with someone you truly love

You can see the events in your life

Every heartbreak, every beautiful realization

 That lead up to every moment you are with them.

All the successes and failures of your past

Where preparing you for the exact moment you met the person who completes you.

When you are truly in love with someone you may not always like them

They will say and do things that annoy you like no one else could annoy you.

But that is love too

They will make mistakes, so will you.

They will point out uncomfortable truths about you.

At times it will feel like the farthest thing from “Happily Ever After” imaginable.

The person you truly love will know the worst of you.

And love you anyway.

Because to me that’s what true love is; taking the good with the bad.

Because no matter how bad the bad may be

Because you have this irreplaceable person beside you

 Life is fuller, better and you can’t picture another day without them.

However lately I wonder if that is real or if it’s all just convenience or lust. How many people never find “love”? What if “love” doesn’t really exist? It’s just as make-believe as the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy , and Santa Claus. What if “love” is just a comfortable lie to tell people tell they grow up and learn the truth? Life isn’t a compilation on near misses and failed attempts leading you to the perfect person for you. Real life is just a lot of hard work that leads to more hard word. There are not soul mates and happily ever after’s. There is just we teamed up because it’s a requirement to reach the Celestial Kingdom and theirs a commandment to “multiply and replenish the earth”. Or the non-Mormon reason of physical lust and a desire to cling to traditionalism. Is marriage all about ‘how long can we go without fighting and showing our children how much we dislike each other?’

If it is I don’t want any part of it.

I’m with Elizabeth Bennett from Pride and Prejudice that “only the deepest love with persuade me to marry” (I’m paraphrasing because I don’t remember the exact quote) I’d rather be a lesser angel for all eternity then spend it with someone who I don’t truly, deeply, love or with someone who doesn’t feel the same for me.