ever since I went to college I have felt like I'm living in two very different and very separate worlds; the world of Woods Cross and surrounding areas and all the people that reside therein and Ephraim with all the people there. And as I transfer between these two worlds I realize I might as well be two different people. In Ephraim I am an energetic people person who people actually like to be around (maybe I will post about my eureka moment with this some other time) I actually feel like I can be myself around the people down there. Up north no one knows who I really am I am a mask build out of the expectations and prejudices people have of me developed over the 18 years I lived there. It is so interesting that it took me 18 years to discover who I am... (More about that in the later post I previously mentioned)
However in Woods Cross there are familiar faces and landscapes. I love being home and the older I get the more I love and appreciate my family. they are the only facets of my old life that knew me well enough before I went away that seeing me grow and truly find myself hasn't surprised them I don't have to were a mask for them or slip back into a role I use to play I can just be myself and show every part of myself.
sometimes when I come home and I see the people I use to know and interact with its like watching my old life from behind a glass screen and pressing my hands up against the glass with a bittersweet longing half wanting to join them again and be part of their world where everything was taken care of by adults while we just pretended to be adults. But the other half of me looks to the future and all the joy and challenges it contains realizing I can never go back so might as well make the most of the present I’m in and try to shape the future into the best thing it can be. I also see all the people I left behind in this world growing up without me living there lives. Today at Daniel, my youngest brother's band concert I saw peoples my brother, Andrew's age talking about their first semester at college
I remember my when I first went to college I imagined seeing my high school friends everywhere and know I come back home and imagine seeing the people from college at band concerts held at the high school! My brain is trying to mesh my two worlds and it’s just not working. when I meet with my friends from high school I wish my friends from college could be flies on the wall and see the mask I put on around the people who use to be my world. And I go to college and wish that my friends from high school could see how I’ve changed from the girl they knew into someone with her own personality.
The more I grow and change the more I see that I will always call Woods Cross my first home the older I get the less it feels like home and the more I want to make a home for myself.
Oh, wonderful and beautiful Sarah. I'm so proud of you. I wish I could see how you interact with your college friends. I'm sure it's so much fun. Keep on going strong :). <3 ya!
ReplyDeleteSarah, I love you. :) Good for you! I've seen much change in you since the first day I met my new roommate our first day at Snow College. But I have a sense of what you are talking about. I feel that way with my life. I love my home town, but I feel like the people here don't really know me anymore, except my family. It's interesting how that happens.
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