I’m tired of being told I’m
the one who needs to reach out! She reached once and I just never let go after
that I was the one to make the effort though sometimes not often or hard enough
to make any notice and they made their token gestures every so often. but since
we've left high school to me it’s been a test of who is really my friend and
who really wants me in there lives and going thought with that mindset I have
reached out time and time again to make and keep contact only to be brushed to
the side forgotten, left as a thing of the past too troublesome to be kept
close and to be thought on as "she won't mind" I’m tired of doing the
reaching out!! She and I haven't talked in over a year because she doesn't
think me worth the effort!! I had long considered her my best friend and too
long have I known that she doesn't and never will think the same way. And I
must apologize for all the bitter light I have cast on to our friendship. For
there were some good times some very happy good times. but as I look back at my
journals of the time when I was in the midst of the friendship I wondered why
she picked up that poor picked on girl at all if two years later while entering
junior high she would try to send me away to others because she found a best
friend and didn't want to be bothered by me hanging about and at the end of our
9th grade year sent me a noted stating quite clearly that when we entered high
school I should find my own friends because I had imposed on her good graces
too long. And why, oh why was I so stubborn because with each supposed
rejection I just clung on. In high school it became quite evident to me where
she placed me as a friend for on the weekends at church she would tell me of
her adventures with friends to Lagoon and Cherry Hill and talk and adventures
she had with so many others. I was always there the open listening ear that was
never present on the adventure myself even though I was just a telephone call
away (too much effort for too slight a friend and a "she wouldn't
mind") and quite willing to pay for my own expenses the only imposition I
wanted to be was on a tiny sliver of their time! And I was the listening ear
for all her boy drama! And foolish me I felt pleased that she trusted me so
with all her doings. but I was not quite so foolish as to see how really out of
the circle I really was I was like the littler soap bubble clinging to the side
of a bigger soap bubble. Apart but really not apart at all. And at the beginning
of senior year I really did try to distance myself from those who considered me
a very slight friend. I tried new groups but I always ended up drifting back to
the side of my unfaithful friends because whatever they considered me I found their
personalities much more appealing than anyone else’s. So I felt stuck trying to
make myself useful, trying to make myself know and wanted. but I could no more
do that than make a mountain grow or turn myself into a wall ( which at times I
felt more akin to that my friends) until I came to college and I tested how
they truly felt about keeping me around by the before mentioned test of
reaching out and waiting for their response.
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